To do

(written last night: July 27, 2010)

Starting tonight I will keep a “to do” list for each day. For now, I guess this is the best thing to do: I need to get myself organized; I need to keep myself busy; I need to distract myself from all these distractions.

I will do this little step if this would keep me going – if this can keep me on living.

I’m not sure if this will be the last straw, but I need to draw this.

As much as I miss ‘conversations’, talking is not an option for me to take.

I’m sorry, but I prefer to remain in the shadows of silence for now.

Too much words add up to my agony. I prefer to be adrift than to get more lost and confused at this moment.

I appreciate, still, the ever-heavenly aroma of coffee; but it cannot tempt my lips to unzip itself and let these feelings flow and transform in words the human mind could understand.

I do not like the silence of silence though. But it is best for me to lie low in solace.

I guess, I still have time to pour out everything. Until that day when solitude becomes too deafening for me. But not for now.

My Hachiko

I first heard of Hachi or Hachiko from the Japanese anime “Super Gals”. The anime series sets mainly in the Shibuya District in Japan. In most of the episodes, the anime’s main hero, Ran Kutubuki is mostly found staying at Hachiko’s monument when contemplating.

                  

I thought that Hachiko was just a fictional character not until last night, when I was able to download a movie titled “My Dog Hachi”. The movie was starred by Richard Gere and was released last 2008.

Anyway, Hachiko is an Akita. And in real life a monument (made in bronze) was placed at his waiting place near the Shibuya Train Station in honor of his memory. Well, Hachiko’s story teaches us of the real meaning of love, loyalty, and friendship. His story tells us of how he waited for his master to come back until his death. According to the movie, he waited for nine years somewhere near the train station after his master passed away.

  Hachi’s story reminds me so much of my very own pet, Balto. Balto’s a mongrel . Born last February 8, 1998 with his twin sister Ponga. I was still in 5th Grade when we got them. Both Balto and Ponga were our first pet dogs when my whole family moved to our very own house on April 1998.

We actually got their names from movies. Balto from the Alaskan dog hero Balto and Ponga was derived from the name Pongo of The 101 Dalmatians since her fur’s white with black spots. Balto was supposedly called “Baltok” but he wouldn’t respond when called with that name. Yeah, think “Marley and Me”.. Dog choosing his own name…

Anyway, having no friends since we’re new in the neighborhood, me and my siblings would always play with both puppies. Unfortunately, Ponga passed away days before my birthday on May 1998.

And since that day Balto has been our pet dog. He’s kinda short but an alpha male. In fact, it’s as if he owned the whole subdivision. He’s really that brave that a German shepherd didn’t stand a chance against him. He gets into fight with other dogs but he has allies too.

I still could remember him playing tag with other dogs in the neighborhood at a then empty lot beside the subdivision. It was a beautiful sight. However, there was also an incident when he stepped into some other dog’s turf when following us (me and my family) while we headed to our parents’ friends’ house one afternoon. He was mobbed: he laid on the cement road on his back while one dog bit him in the right leg and another on the left and another took him on the face. They really pinned him down but (I think) 2 other dogs came barking and rescued Balto. The sight left me amazed.

Not only did he get respect from other dogs but from the people in the neighborhood as well. Actually, everybody knows him better than they’ve knew me. Haha! It’s because when we leave the house to go somewhere in the neighborhood, he would follow us. At night when my parents attend a prayer meeting, he would go with them. Even during the procession for the “Stations of the Cross” at Lent, he would follow us and would sit near the altar.

He’s quiet mischievous. One time I got worried when he chased a newly born calf --- think of the amount we’ll pay for if the calf dies. There was also a time that he played around with pigs. While he was pup, he catches one of our chickens. Though when we kill our chickens for meal, he would never eat the bones we fed him. Also, I caught him playing with a bird on the street. The bird pecked him and then he jumped and and as if trying to bite the bird. Then the bird pecks him again. (^^)

Yet again everyone loves him. When I got a cat during high school, he never tried attacking Miming. Even though it’s obvious that he’s a jealous dog, he tends to take care and play with Miming’s kittens. And some point Miming attacked a dog who fought Balto in our very own lawn one afternoon.

There’s so much to tell about him. But I guess it’ll take forever…

There’s so much I would have wanted to tell him too…

Balto died this year, in the evening when I returned to Iligan.

Everytime I call my family, I never missed asking about Balto. He’s always been a part of our family. He has always been my companion, playmate, and friend.

When I arrived in Iligan. Balto wasn’t in good shape anymore. Both his eyes have cataract. He’s deaf and thin. And I knew that day would come since he reached 12 years and because it was evident that he was getting too old.

My sister told me that she told Balto to wait for me since I’m already coming home.

And he did.

I remember those afternoons we played together. The mischief he’s done. The times I talked to him. The times I defended him against Papang. And lots and lots of memories of him…

“Balto” 

--------------------------------------------------

In memory of Balto. My friend. My own Hachi.

You are treasured forever.

February 8, 1998 - February 10, 2010

----------------------------------------------------

On a Beautiful Sunday

It’s supposedly a beautiful Sunday afternoon. But here I am, spending the afternoon with you, however, feeling so distant.

You are so distant. Everything is becoming distant.

I am with you yet my instincts tell me the possibilities that you might be eyeing someone now or maybe soon.

It is just so painful yet you do not understand. You do not bother trying either.

Losing you is the last thing that I needed for now.

Yet, I do not want to end this without any fight. If, it’s still worth it.

We had our thing. But it seems that I am all alone now.

This cold cold space between us is driving me nuts.

I want you to save me but it seems like you only want to save yourself. We’re both selfish, but you always get what you wanted. Maybe this time you will. But I wouldn’t let you.

I wouldn’t want you to leave me like this without me hurting you.

I want you to save me now. But I know, you wouldn’t do that. I am useless to you now. I’m not the one with some job in a big company. One who can afford things. Not for now though.. I am no use to you but someone you can cling on to. But not anymore.. Since I am not well.. since I am hurt… Since you think I am the one clinging on to you this time.

I am grasping for redemption! I haven’t done anything wrong other than to give you what you wanted..

Please don’t play with me. I’m tired of games..

But… should I just let go? Or shall I just save it for later?

(untitled post)

I dread this day when having coffee turns into mere luxury… :’(

re: oi himala…

Today is father’s day. I am typing a blog entry using my laptop for the first time. Anyway, what I’m writing isn’t anything about my dads or father’s day either..

OK. So here I am with my new laptop.. Installing, uninstalling, and re-installing different software. Acquainting myself with my new gadget especially that I had Windows 7 in it.. And transferring and managing files..

I came upon this letter (an email to be exact) which I have been keeping in my flash disk for quite awhile now.

I was actually keeping it for future reasons. The contents? Hmmmnn.. It’s best to keep it to myself for now.. (^^)

Anyway, I have been keeping it and have read it twice from the time I found it publicly displayed in someone’s “My Documents”.

So, again, back to transferring and managing files…

I told myself not to read it. But I did.

I did not feel any sort of hurt, or sorry, or even angry. I felt skeptical instead.

The letter asks so many questions that I couldn’t figure out the answers as well.

I actually read it again thinking that I might understand the letter better now.

I know deep inside that my feelings are pure and sincere but I also can’t refrain myself from asking questions. Mostly “why’s”…

I also could not stop from wanting to search for the original messages. I just felt that there is/might be something for me to find out.

After all, my feelings would always remain true. Now that I am so sure about it. But still, I would never want to become that person who’ll ask those questions in the future and might not even get the answers.

This is really quite stupid. I know I shouldn’t be dealing with these things from the past now which basically did not involved me. But I feel this urge to understand.

Anyway, this has been the way I am. I want to understand things -- everything.

I’m sorry if I’ve been sneaky. This isn’t a secret since you know that I copied the letter. I hope you’ll make me understand if you’d get a chance to read this.

RE: oi himala…
himala.. wala ko nasuko.. (=

xkcd: dreams

seems like I'm the only one without xkcd on my facebook and blog.. well, here it is.. so much for tryin' to fit in.. 

Beautiful Flower - India Arie

Thank you India Arie.. Now, I feel much better... Thank you for your song... :)

Beautiful Flower

by India Arie

This is a song for every girl who's

Ever been through something she thought she couldn't make it through

I sing these words because

I was that girl too

Wanting something better than this

But who do I turn to

Now we're moving from the darkness into the light

This is the defining moment of our lives

'Cause you're beautiful like a flower

More valuable than a diamond

You are powerful like a fire

You can heal the world with your mind

There is nothing in the world that you cannot do

When you believe in you, who are beautiful

Yeah, you, who are brilliant

Yeah, you, who are powerful

Yeah, you, who are resilient

This is a song for every girl who

Feels like she is not special

'Cause she don't look like a supermodel Coke bottle

The next time the radio tells you to shake your moneymaker

Shake your head and tell them, tell them you're a leader

Now we're moving from the darkness into the light

This is the defining moment of our lives

'Cause you're beautiful like a flower

More valuable than a diamond

You are powerful like a fire

You can heal the world with your mind

There is nothing in the world that you cannot do

When you believe in you, who are beautiful

Yeah, you, who are brilliant

Yeah, you, who are powerful

Yeah, you, who are resilient

Yeah, you, who are beautiful

Yeah, you, who are brilliant

Yeah, you, who are powerful

Yeah, you, who are resilient

Yeah, you, this song is for you

Yeah, you, this song is for you

Yeah, you, this song is for you

Yeah, you, yeah, you

You are brilliant

BEING TWENTY-SOMETHING

This may not be the first time for you to read this. I have received this thru email while I was still working in Accenture.. I just feel like posting...


BEING TWENTY-SOMETHING

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused.

Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. Send this to your twenty something friends.... maybe it will help someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of confusion.....

GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF you guys!

Under the full moon

I think my step-dad is upset. And I guess my mom too (whom I didn't see when I got home)... For coming home late... Rather, early in the morning after spending the night at my boyfriend's house...

For, I guess, a very shallow reason (uh-uh! not an excuse) - because the moon is full. This definitely is not an excuse!

I never did plan to spend the night there, unfortunately, at about past midnight when my beau, his brother and I went outside to smoke, I noticed that beautiful ol' luna was shining ever so brightly in perfect shape in the night sky... But before that, my beau asked me to tell his brother about "the scary stuff" happening at my house - which reminded me of my mom saying that those mysterious things are likely to happen especially when the moon is full. So there, I thought to myself that I'm not gonna go home - not until it's morning.

I came home at almost 7 o' clock a.m. I found my step-dad having breakfast and my baby sister brushing her teeth. My youngest brother was still in bed, but it seemed that my mom and my other younger brother has already left.. Anyway, all I ever said to my step-dad after greeting him was -- "sorry for not able to text them that I won't be home in evening because mobile's out of load credits"..

After that, I went to my room. Then I heard my step-dad and my sister leave.. *sigh*

How I wish I could've explained that I never really intended to spend the night there.. It was just that I don't want to experience some wierd stuff happen again especially that it was full moon.. And how I wish I could just easily tell them that I even did not literally sleep there.. Because all I ever did was watch movies while my beau and his brother snoozed... *sigh* How I wish I was a better "communicator" (if there ever was a word).. We never had good communication not unless we talk about other things and kid around...

Both of know that he cares too much for me despite the fact that I'm not his real daughter. I care for him too but we just don't communicate well. Long story though. And we do have this weird relationship, but not the kind of weirdness that happens during full moon..

But for now, I'm saving the relationship thingy for later. I'm expecting a cold shoulder and a little bit of nagging from my mom.. Wish me luck though..

So! Speaking about my all-nighter movie marathon... It was great! We started with "500 Days of Summer", which I've already seen. Then my beau and his brother browsed on youtube some of their favorite 90's rock songs which led us to watch "Batch '81". It is an old local film showing how some college guys survived entering a fraternity. It's not something that you'd get awed with but I just got amused. (thinks: silly college guys)..

So my beau and his brother started dozing off that I ran into "10 Things I Hate About You".. So creepy of me, watching a teeny-bopper series at this age.. And even got a crush on one of the main characters...

Note: Before I had a very huge crush on Kurosaki Ichigo - the main character of "Bleach", a Japanese animation. And long before that, I also had this big crush on Josh Hartnett. I fell for him when I first saw him in the movie "The Faculty". And that was way back in high school. I guess there was George Clooney too... Ummm.. I haven't had sleep yet so I can't remember the rest..

Going back.. {dreamily:} ..My crush has this perfectly toned body which makes me wish I could rest my head on his chest or shoulders.. He has this untidy look.. His untidy hair makes him a lot more handsome... and those eyes.. look into those eyes and it's like he'll dig into your soul.. his voice, is sooo deep that could make me want to take off my clothes with one "hello" (waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!)... and most of all! I love the character himself, is just so COOL... Oh! He's so gorgeous! :D

I know this is silly, but I even posted it in facebook. I do hope my beau's not gonna think I'm cheating on him... This is so wierd but it made me feel good. It felt like highschool or some part of college again. It made me smile and tingled my heart. It made me wanna kiss my beau. It made me want to spend a whole day kissing - if that's possible.. It's just good... So much for being somekinda cynical these days..

I ended up to episode 10 of season 1. There are still 5 more episodes to watch until the first season ends. I really could not wait to watch the rest of the series. I don't know if I'll be able to get some sleep at this rate.. (it's already 8:37 a.m.)...

I'm really not into some teenybopper stuff but lately, I just want to watch something light.. But not really shallow... :D

So maybe weird things really happen sometimes. And maybe these "sometimes" could coincidentally occur during the full moons... But I enjoyed it! :D And I hope you enjoy your evening as well especially when the moon is full!

isn't he gorgeous?! eeek!

My new year salvo

sunrise in cebu

"Unwritten"
by Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!