My Julie/Julia Project

I have watched Julie & Julia on HBO a couple of times and have been inspired to go back on blogging. Yet, I have too many things inside my thoughts to blog about and I always end up writing nothing at all.

Although I am now a mom and works as a home-based writer, I barely have written anything for myself; except for those Facebook rants that I post sometimes, which is sooo unhealthy for me, my relationships and people’s perception of me.

It is now 3:32 a.m. and Julie & Julia is on HBO again.

I am writing these thoughts in a piece of scratch paper in the middle of working.

I’m crossing my fingers. I hope this will make a good jumpstart for me to go back on blogging again. :)

I really hope I can do this. I can barely do anything for myself lately, with all my responsibilities as a wife and mom and a full time worker – it’s driving me crazy!

Oh well, wish me luck!

Thank you Julie & Julia for lighting this spark.

To do

(written last night: July 27, 2010)

Starting tonight I will keep a “to do” list for each day. For now, I guess this is the best thing to do: I need to get myself organized; I need to keep myself busy; I need to distract myself from all these distractions.

I will do this little step if this would keep me going – if this can keep me on living.

I’m not sure if this will be the last straw, but I need to draw this.

As much as I miss ‘conversations’, talking is not an option for me to take.

I’m sorry, but I prefer to remain in the shadows of silence for now.

Too much words add up to my agony. I prefer to be adrift than to get more lost and confused at this moment.

I appreciate, still, the ever-heavenly aroma of coffee; but it cannot tempt my lips to unzip itself and let these feelings flow and transform in words the human mind could understand.

I do not like the silence of silence though. But it is best for me to lie low in solace.

I guess, I still have time to pour out everything. Until that day when solitude becomes too deafening for me. But not for now.

My Hachiko

I first heard of Hachi or Hachiko from the Japanese anime “Super Gals”. The anime series sets mainly in the Shibuya District in Japan. In most of the episodes, the anime’s main hero, Ran Kutubuki is mostly found staying at Hachiko’s monument when contemplating.

                  

I thought that Hachiko was just a fictional character not until last night, when I was able to download a movie titled “My Dog Hachi”. The movie was starred by Richard Gere and was released last 2008.

Anyway, Hachiko is an Akita. And in real life a monument (made in bronze) was placed at his waiting place near the Shibuya Train Station in honor of his memory. Well, Hachiko’s story teaches us of the real meaning of love, loyalty, and friendship. His story tells us of how he waited for his master to come back until his death. According to the movie, he waited for nine years somewhere near the train station after his master passed away.

  Hachi’s story reminds me so much of my very own pet, Balto. Balto’s a mongrel . Born last February 8, 1998 with his twin sister Ponga. I was still in 5th Grade when we got them. Both Balto and Ponga were our first pet dogs when my whole family moved to our very own house on April 1998.

We actually got their names from movies. Balto from the Alaskan dog hero Balto and Ponga was derived from the name Pongo of The 101 Dalmatians since her fur’s white with black spots. Balto was supposedly called “Baltok” but he wouldn’t respond when called with that name. Yeah, think “Marley and Me”.. Dog choosing his own name…

Anyway, having no friends since we’re new in the neighborhood, me and my siblings would always play with both puppies. Unfortunately, Ponga passed away days before my birthday on May 1998.

And since that day Balto has been our pet dog. He’s kinda short but an alpha male. In fact, it’s as if he owned the whole subdivision. He’s really that brave that a German shepherd didn’t stand a chance against him. He gets into fight with other dogs but he has allies too.

I still could remember him playing tag with other dogs in the neighborhood at a then empty lot beside the subdivision. It was a beautiful sight. However, there was also an incident when he stepped into some other dog’s turf when following us (me and my family) while we headed to our parents’ friends’ house one afternoon. He was mobbed: he laid on the cement road on his back while one dog bit him in the right leg and another on the left and another took him on the face. They really pinned him down but (I think) 2 other dogs came barking and rescued Balto. The sight left me amazed.

Not only did he get respect from other dogs but from the people in the neighborhood as well. Actually, everybody knows him better than they’ve knew me. Haha! It’s because when we leave the house to go somewhere in the neighborhood, he would follow us. At night when my parents attend a prayer meeting, he would go with them. Even during the procession for the “Stations of the Cross” at Lent, he would follow us and would sit near the altar.

He’s quiet mischievous. One time I got worried when he chased a newly born calf --- think of the amount we’ll pay for if the calf dies. There was also a time that he played around with pigs. While he was pup, he catches one of our chickens. Though when we kill our chickens for meal, he would never eat the bones we fed him. Also, I caught him playing with a bird on the street. The bird pecked him and then he jumped and and as if trying to bite the bird. Then the bird pecks him again. (^^)

Yet again everyone loves him. When I got a cat during high school, he never tried attacking Miming. Even though it’s obvious that he’s a jealous dog, he tends to take care and play with Miming’s kittens. And some point Miming attacked a dog who fought Balto in our very own lawn one afternoon.

There’s so much to tell about him. But I guess it’ll take forever…

There’s so much I would have wanted to tell him too…

Balto died this year, in the evening when I returned to Iligan.

Everytime I call my family, I never missed asking about Balto. He’s always been a part of our family. He has always been my companion, playmate, and friend.

When I arrived in Iligan. Balto wasn’t in good shape anymore. Both his eyes have cataract. He’s deaf and thin. And I knew that day would come since he reached 12 years and because it was evident that he was getting too old.

My sister told me that she told Balto to wait for me since I’m already coming home.

And he did.

I remember those afternoons we played together. The mischief he’s done. The times I talked to him. The times I defended him against Papang. And lots and lots of memories of him…

“Balto” 

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In memory of Balto. My friend. My own Hachi.

You are treasured forever.

February 8, 1998 - February 10, 2010

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On a Beautiful Sunday

It’s supposedly a beautiful Sunday afternoon. But here I am, spending the afternoon with you, however, feeling so distant.

You are so distant. Everything is becoming distant.

I am with you yet my instincts tell me the possibilities that you might be eyeing someone now or maybe soon.

It is just so painful yet you do not understand. You do not bother trying either.

Losing you is the last thing that I needed for now.

Yet, I do not want to end this without any fight. If, it’s still worth it.

We had our thing. But it seems that I am all alone now.

This cold cold space between us is driving me nuts.

I want you to save me but it seems like you only want to save yourself. We’re both selfish, but you always get what you wanted. Maybe this time you will. But I wouldn’t let you.

I wouldn’t want you to leave me like this without me hurting you.

I want you to save me now. But I know, you wouldn’t do that. I am useless to you now. I’m not the one with some job in a big company. One who can afford things. Not for now though.. I am no use to you but someone you can cling on to. But not anymore.. Since I am not well.. since I am hurt… Since you think I am the one clinging on to you this time.

I am grasping for redemption! I haven’t done anything wrong other than to give you what you wanted..

Please don’t play with me. I’m tired of games..

But… should I just let go? Or shall I just save it for later?

(untitled post)

I dread this day when having coffee turns into mere luxury… :’(

re: oi himala…

Today is father’s day. I am typing a blog entry using my laptop for the first time. Anyway, what I’m writing isn’t anything about my dads or father’s day either..

OK. So here I am with my new laptop.. Installing, uninstalling, and re-installing different software. Acquainting myself with my new gadget especially that I had Windows 7 in it.. And transferring and managing files..

I came upon this letter (an email to be exact) which I have been keeping in my flash disk for quite awhile now.

I was actually keeping it for future reasons. The contents? Hmmmnn.. It’s best to keep it to myself for now.. (^^)

Anyway, I have been keeping it and have read it twice from the time I found it publicly displayed in someone’s “My Documents”.

So, again, back to transferring and managing files…

I told myself not to read it. But I did.

I did not feel any sort of hurt, or sorry, or even angry. I felt skeptical instead.

The letter asks so many questions that I couldn’t figure out the answers as well.

I actually read it again thinking that I might understand the letter better now.

I know deep inside that my feelings are pure and sincere but I also can’t refrain myself from asking questions. Mostly “why’s”…

I also could not stop from wanting to search for the original messages. I just felt that there is/might be something for me to find out.

After all, my feelings would always remain true. Now that I am so sure about it. But still, I would never want to become that person who’ll ask those questions in the future and might not even get the answers.

This is really quite stupid. I know I shouldn’t be dealing with these things from the past now which basically did not involved me. But I feel this urge to understand.

Anyway, this has been the way I am. I want to understand things -- everything.

I’m sorry if I’ve been sneaky. This isn’t a secret since you know that I copied the letter. I hope you’ll make me understand if you’d get a chance to read this.

RE: oi himala…
himala.. wala ko nasuko.. (=

piece-up

Someone told me once that, "there's always a moment"...

yeah.. in every second of our lives, there is. A moment. A moment for everything.

A moment to love and say "i love you".

A moment to breathe.

A moment to think.

And all other moments to decide in every circumstances what to feel, say, and do, that would make you the "YOU".

My boyfriend always tells me that i don't know what i want, and is big reason why i'm heading nowhere. I call myself a dreamer, and literally i am. I always get lost in my dreams that they always end up just there in my thoughts. At most times, I need to get hit really really hard to get back to reality.. I don't know I'm getting to any point here but i am trying to.

I just noticed it though, in how i talk and how i write. I some kinda go in circles.. *sigh*

But anyway, I'm just glad that I took this moment out to brighten up this humble blog of mine with some little thoughts. Hoping this would serve as a little step of improvement of the changes i will do with my life.

Thanks to "my dad", I took the 15-minute walk from my flat to this cafe.

I just thought, i might help myself if i piece myself up even just by starting with this little post and reverting back to my old blog template..

This "moment" is quite a costly one. Hehe. If you could keep a secret for me, i did not go to work today.. Guess what? I'm desperate! hehe... I need to BREATHE..

CHEERS to all who live LIFE! (^^)/

just thoughts

I don't know which word appropriate to describe it..

lost?
torn?
blank?
dead?

I am like a tree..
a dead tree..
no flowers nor fruit..
no leaves..
just twigs and branches..

I'm still standing still though..
Through strong winds and rain..
Through dust and heat..
And look gloomier under the moonlit sky...

I am not scared.. I guess..
I have nothing to be scared of..
All I have are worries.. maybe...
And doubts..

I don't know if I am unsure..
I don't know what I want..
I don't know if I'll still bleed..

I am like a robot..

I don't why..
I don't know what..
I don't know..


I just don't know..


...


...but anyhow, I felt better writing this...

so, how am i?

Another work week has passed and again I am on day-off.

I'm juggling things in my mind: on what to do first and what and how to write my thoughts down..

So, I just came up with the question..

Yeah, how the hell am I?

Now, I know I am fine. I'm having quite the hang of adjusting and nipping my pride little by little. I feel loved, secured, and missed (by my family). A bit bored with my job but I'm not letting it get in my way though. I wouldn't want to lose another job for petty reasons again.
Anyway, last week was quite a busy week.

During payday, Bok and I went to the mall and shopped. He bought a load of stuff.. like a whole new wardrobe (just exaggerating, but it's quite like that). I bought a shirt and a cute pair of check loafers which Bok has chosen for me. I didn't really like the shoes at first though, but a lot of people find it nice. So there. But, trust me in this: don't ever shop when you're sleepless the night before and you still have to go to work in the afternoon.

Bok's officemates like to hang-out and go to some place and do stuff. So, I got quite sleepless last week. The activities for last week range from playing dota after their shift (that's 5 a.m.), so I wake up early; going to the gym and play badminton, we were supposed to go wall climbing but weren't able to; drinking and making me sing (hehehe..); and going to a comedy bar.

They're fun-loving people, as you can see. They're fun to be with. I like them because they don't treat me as "the girlfriend". But too bad I just really need to get some sleep.

And by the way, last week's r.d., I did some cleaning up. I sorted out my stuff and threw away things that don't need to be kept anymore. (I don't know if you get what I mean) And it made me feel a lot better.

But there is still one thing that needs to be done though. I had a fight with one of my officemates, a teammate, months ago. It supposedly was nothing serious but we ended up not talking to each other anymore. And I'm a bit tired of the situation. I can sense that he wants to make peace with me. But I'm quite a coward with this. Yeah, a chicken shit.

Please pray for me. I'd love to make peace with him. And make peace with myself at the same time.

But hey! I still say I am doing fine.

I'm still a work in progress but I am alive and I am kickin'. (^^)